


A.S.S. (Agents of Secret Stuff)

by supercalvin



Series: A.S.S. (Agents of Secret Stuff) [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, M/M, Shamelessly Silly and a Little Bit Cracky, Spies & Secret Agents, spy AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-14
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-24 16:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1612076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercalvin/pseuds/supercalvin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"They were The Agents. They had practically re-written every book on secret intelligence missions, had reorganized the entire British Secret Intelligence Agencies, and they were unstoppable in the field (having a 99% success rate). Their identities were completely concealed. There were only a rare few who knew what they looked like or what their real names were (if they still had their original names). The textbooks referred to them only by their codenames, Emrys and King."</p><p>And they were completely not what Mordred, code name "Bane," had been expecting. At all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A.S.S. (Agents of Secret Stuff)

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this on a whim (like I always do).  
> Title is shamelessly taken from the Short Film by nigahiga (Ryan Higa) ["Agents of Secret Stuff"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMy-6RtoOVU) but has nothing to do with the story whatsoever.

Mordred watched the party with the eyes of someone who had studied and practiced at the best schools and trained with the best in the country. He was the top of his class and this was his first mission. He could not mess up, especially because he would be working with the best of the best against the worst of the worst. He was up against Helios, the man in charge of eighty percent of the crime in Europe. Mordred knew he played a small role in this bust, but nonetheless, he was vital. He took his job very seriously, that was one of the reasons he was chosen by Director Gaius himself.

He was told to keep his eyes open and his senses on alert at all times. He wasn’t privy to all the details of the mission, not even close. All he knew was that something was going to happen, he would know what it was when it happened, and he was supposed to follow the lead of the agents in charge when it did. Problem was, he didn’t know what would happen and he had no idea what these agents looked like. They were _The_ Agents. They had practically re-written every book on secret intelligence missions, had reorganized the entire British Secret Intelligence Agencies, and they were unstoppable in the field (having a 99% success rate). Their identities were completely concealed. There were only a rare few who knew what they looked like or what their real names were (if they still had their original names). The textbooks referred to them only by their codenames, Emrys and King. They sounded like last names to Mordred, but he admired the simplicity. He had heard names as stupid as ‘Apple’ and as long as ‘Eagle Who Will Kick Your Ass’. Mordred was sure _that agent_ never made it past the first round of training.

Across the party a woman was talking to Helios, she looked like she was talking business. Helios though, was surrounded by admirers (probably looking to him for money). Mordred pretended to sip his champagne, scanning the room again. To his left there were people dancing in long elegant gowns and perfectly tailored suits. To his right people were socializing. In his periphery he caught sight of a couple having a discussion. One man was fixing the suit of another man’s.

“You promised we would dance.” said the taller one.

“Maybe later, love.” said the blonde.

“You’re no fun.” Said the other man, pouting.

“Business first, darling.” The blonde smirked.

“I’ll go talk to Helios then, shall I?”

“You always do the best negotiating.” The blonde held one finger under the other man’s chin, Mordred wasn’t sure, but he sounded like he was joking.

“I’ll negotiate you later.” The other man winked and sauntered off.

Mordred watched at the man stumbled across the dance floor. Mordred almost wanted to cover his eyes to spare himself the second hand embarrassment. Helios was the top crime lord in Europe, he wouldn’t fall for anything this man would have to say (or do, if he was planning on seducing him. That made Mordred shudder.) The blonde watched with a bored, apathetic expression.

“Oh I’m so sorry!” The man stuttered out. Mordred looked to see that he had spilled a drink on Helios. He was blushing furiously and he was holding his hands up in surrender. “Shit! I-I’m so sorry.” Mordred felt a little bad for the bloke, he obviously wasn’t that bright.

“You fool!” Helios went on a rant about idiots and how expensive his suit was.

The blonde walked across the hall and quickly extracted his date from the situation. Mordred watched as they headed out to the dance floor. The incident passed and Mordred was watching the scene again.

About ten minutes later Mordred felt something change in the atmosphere. A bodyguard whispered something into Helios’ ear and the crime lord suddenly looked on alert. He wouldn’t alert his guests until it was necessary though.

Mordred watched for something to happen. it would be soon, he thought. His phone buzzed.

“Hallway to the left of the dance floor. Make it casual.” The test read.

Modred assumed that was a signal, if it ever was one.

When he got to the hallway he was met with a group of guards who were in a panic.They were talking fast and one of them was giving quick orders. When they saw Mordred, they all turned to look at him.

“Who are you? What are you doing here?” A very tall and muscular one asked threateningly.

“Er…” Mordred’s skills kicked in a second later. “Is this not where the loo is? Seems like I interrupted, terribly sorry. Can you point me in the right--”

He was cut off by a series of darts suddenly embedding themselves in five of the ten guards’ necks. He acted on instinct and punched and knocked out the first guard that came near him. Someone dropped down from the ceiling, causing Mordred to stumble in surprise. The man kicked and somehow took down two guards. He was the man from earlier, the idiot who had spilled his drink on Helios. The blonde entered the hall from an adjacent room, calmly closing the door behind him as the other man knocked two more guards unconscious.

“Need any help?” he asked.

“Got it.” The other panted, a smile on his lips. “Thanks for offering, though.”

Ten guards were splayed on the floor, three men standing: Mordred, the blonde and the tall man.

“Ah,” Said the blonde, looking at Mordred for the first time. “You must be the new agent.”

“Bane, was it?” said the tall brunet. He dusted off his tuxedo and stepped over a guard to get to the other agent.

“Yes.” He said slowly, watching the pair carefully. They didn’t pay him any attention.

“You get it?” asked the brunet.

“No, I left the very important secret document on his computer and just copied all his porn.”

“Good, now that we got what we wanted, we can head out.” He smiled cheekily.

“You’re a complete idiot. How do you manage to do anything?”

“Hey! Who got that key?”

“Oh right, _your negotiating_.”

“Oh, I am gonna show you negotiating-”

“I’m sorry…” Mordred held up his hands interrupting their argument “Are you...Are you Emrys and King?” Mordred stared between the two men.

“ _Aw_.” Said the taller one, dragging out the word. “He’s heard of us.” He set his hands over his heart and pretended to wipe a tear away.

“Shut up, Merlin.” Said the blonde, knocking him upside the head.

“Emrys” said the tall one, pointing to himself (“Merlin” as the blonde had said. It confused Mordred since they weren’t supposed to use any names besides their code names). Emrys stuck a thumb in the blonde’s direction. “That clotpole is King.”

“Oi!” Protested King.

“ _You’re_ King and Emrys.” Mordred couldn’t help but show his surprise. They didn’t look any older than 27 at the most. Not to mention that they were acting like this mission wasn’t a big deal. They were acting like they were out for a drink with some friends.

“Yup.” Emrys popped his lips on the syllable, he had a huge smile and ears that stuck out a little too much.

“Come on, we’ve got to go before Helios panics.” said King.

Mordred looked to them for instructions but they just motioned for him to follow.

“Shit.” Emrys muttered as he looked at his phone.

“What now?” said King, like this whole thing was an inconvenience.

“We’re being surrounded.” Emrys tapped on a security panel and it opened on the first try.

“Of course we are.” King sighed. “Up and out?” He asked Emrys like that made sense.

“Sounds good to me.” Emrys smiled easily and they started to run down the hall, Mordred following.

“Bane, we need you in the vehicle.” said King. He tossed Mordred a car key and told him where it was parked. “Keep it running.”

“But where are you going?” He was fine with being the getaway driver. He was more than happy to help Emrys and King, even if they were nothing like he thought they would be.

Emrys winked, “Secret.” Suddenly he was pointing a gun at the wall and blasted off a vent. “Really, Arthur? Through the vents? Could you have thought of a more cliche route.”

“Shut up, and get your ass in the vent.” Arthur pushed him forcefully.

Modred turned to leave and get the car, but the last thing he heard was Emrys saying, muffled by the vent, “I think your ass is too big, it won’t fit in here.” When he left the hall he heard laughter and someone being smacked.

Mordred got the car and was thoroughly disappointed when it wasn’t a fancy sportscar. It was a black van, decked out in the back with every piece of equipment that might ever be needed. He pulled up to the front of the house and watched the spectacle from the outside. It only took a few minutes for it to happen.

Guards ran outside and were searching everywhere, but they couldn’t seem to find what (or who) they were looking for. That’s when Mordred saw them. Two figures climbed down from a window at the top of the house. A guard spotted them and started shooting. That’s when the firefight started, and the agents shot right back, from thirty feet above the ground. Mordred would never figure out how they did it, but they got to the ground by somehow distracting the guards with a grenade that had been shot at an alarming speed from a device Emrys had on him.

They ran and fired their guns at the same time. Mordred pulled up the van and opened the back for them to get inside. King was the first to jump in. He grabbed a machine gun, loaded and ready to go.

“Merlin get in here before you trip and get shot!” bellowed King.

“That was one time!” Emrys barked back, taking down a guard with a bullet through the skull. He jumped in and shut the door behind him.

“Go!” King commanded, but Mordred’s foot was already on the pedal. He was proud to say that he was a pretty good getaway driver.

Emrys and King worked silently and efficiently in the back of the van. It only took two minutes for a car to pull up behind them and start shooting at them.

“God damn it!” Emrys yelled. He pulled open the back door and started shooting a gun that was meant to be held with two hands in his right as he held the door open with his left. “ _Stop shooting at us, this was supposed to be my date-night you bastards_!”

King laughed, his head thrown back, completely unconcerned with Emrys hanging out the back door. Still laughing, King took a couple shots at the driver in the car behind them.

A phone ringed and Mordred noticed it was the car. The ID said it was Director Gaius.

“Director, sir.” Mordred answered the phone.

“Am I on speakerphone, agent?” The director asked calmly.

“Yes, sir.”

The Director’s tone changed completely. He sounded like a scolding parent. “Merlin, I swear to God I told you not to use that maneuver again. We talked about this.”

“A little busy, Gaius!” Merlin shouted above the gunfire.

“It fit the situation, Gaius.” said King calmly as if he were at a board meeting.

“Just get home in one piece.” Gaius sighed. “You’re father wants to see you at that dinner tomorrow.”

“And I told him I was busy.” King answered back.

“Uther knows better than that.” Gaius said.

“Fine.” King said, pulling Emrys out of the way of a grenade, which he batted away. “I’ll call him later.”

“Good.” Gaius said. “Oh and Mordred?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Don’t do anything that they do.”

“A-alright, sir.” Mordred stuttered and watched as the two agents closed the door. He hung up.

“Turn right!” Emrys screamed.

“There’s not a road to the right!” Mordred yelped.

“I said turn right!”

Mordred turned right and straight into an alleyway. The cars behind them, surprisingly, drove straight past them.

“Grab a gun and let’s go.” King said. He was turning his coat inside out to reveal a windbreaker. He stripped his trousers and turned them inside out too. They were jeans. Emrys was doing similar.

“Where’s my scarf?” Emrys asked and King flung it to him before he even finished his sentence.

They exited the vehicle and made it down the street. Emrys and King held hands, their strides as casual as if it were a regular Saturday night. Mordred heard King whisper to Emrys, “I’ll make up the date-night tomorrow.”

“It’s okay, love, I don’t mind.” Emrys kissed his cheek.

They made it into a coffee shop and ordered drinks, as if it were normal. Some men in all black ran past, completely missing the three of them.

“Sorry. I know I’m not supposed to ask about...anything.” Mordred held his drink as he pointed to the pair of agents. “But are you two...?”

Emrys raised a brow and a smirk appeared on his lips, like he was waiting for Mordred to blush.

King rolled his eyes, “I don’t know, love, are we?” His arm settled behind Emrys’ chair.

“Hm…” Emrys cocked his head to the side like he was thinking. “You think that marriage certificate is valid? It’s not even in our real names.”

“Do you want me to bring up your real name?” King looked like was ready to endlessly make fun of the man next to him.

“We’re not talking about our real names, _prat_.” Emrys shot back.

“ _You’re married_?” Mordred gaped.

“Why does everyone look so surprised?” Emrys asked exasperatedly.

“Except for Leon.” King laughed.

“You promised not to bring that up.” Emrys covered his face like he was embarrassed.

“You just...You’re not normal…” He was going to say a ‘normal couple’ but not normal just explained it all. Emrys smiled like he was proud and King rolled his eyes.

The guards from the party entered the shop. They spotted the three of them.

“Time to go.” King grabbed Emrys’ hand. Emrys chugged his blended mocha fancy drink like it was a life line. “God, idiot. I’ll buy you another one later.” He turned to Mordred. “You’re done for now, agent. We’ll go out the back, distract them for you to go out the front, we’ll need you later.”

“Later?”

“We’ll call you. Not tonight. _Later_.”

“Good work, by the way.” Emrys waved and grabbed King’s hand. “Time to run.” He said as he grinned at King, as if this were better than any date-night. They held hands and ran out the back door as the guards ran after them. He heard Emrys laugh and King tell him to get his ass in gear.


End file.
